What A Year - 2011 In Review

2011 was an amazing year for me. It brought me peace. Peace was something that lacked for a long time. Growth is painful and I had my growing pains over the years as I have started to evolve into the best person I can be.

I knew 2011 was going to be a different kind of year when I was in labor with my daughter. My ex-husband who I had a difficult relationship with since 2008 showed me the hatchet was truly buried for good. He did this when he was the one who drove me to the hospital after coming to pick up our boys and asked me if I needed him to stay. This may seem like a small gesture but he had no obligation to do that. My daughter is not his child. He could easily have picked up our children and said see you later. I didn't need him to stay but was very appreciative of the gesture and the ride.... if I had needed to wait for a cab there is a good chance my daughter would have been born at home or in the cab because my labor was that fast. There have been many other goodwill gestures and I am appreciative of them all. I forgive the past and look forward to a cooperative partnership as parents in the continuing years. I am at peace with getting divorced and resolve that in 2012 the finalization papers will be signed.

With the birth of my daughter I also forged a good co-parenting with my daughters Father. Going our separate ways during my pregnancy I was unsure of what sort of co-parenting relationship we would have. He has been a model co-parent who always supports his daughter financially and emotionally.

2011 also marked the end of friendships that were no longer healthy additions to my life. In that time other friendships have been rekindled or strengthened. Every person in my journey has contributed to my growth and I am grateful for every experience and every lesson they have taught me.

It was also the first year of my life since I was a teenager that I did not have any sort of romantic relationship with anyone. Not to say I have not been looking but I am comfortable enough and confident in myself to be alone and not just put myself with any warm body that comes my way. That is a good feeling.

So most of the good things about 2011 focus around parenting and I am OK with that because that is what is most important to me at this time.

2012 I resolve to:

Finally sign those divorce papers.

Make a better effort to declutter things I no longer need or use. Work harder at keeping my home tidier.

Continue to increase my daughters parenting time with her Father which will enable me to have more time to myself to continue pursuing to become the best person I can be.

Make a better effort to stay away from dramatic situations and people. Work more on facing problems (as I do already) without facebooking it.

Let go of past defunct friendships. I will not keep "friends" in my life who continually blow me off and do not make an effort to maintain a real friendship. Social networking has been an amazing tool for connection but it has also made people very lazy in maintaining relationships.

Wishing you all the best in 2012! May it be a positive year with much love and good fortune! Bless.

I leave you with my theme song of 2011.

When friends collide via social networking.....

What is it about the anonymity of the internet that turn's average everyday people into online trolls? The other day I innocently posted an article about the Duggar's miscarrying. I thought I would get opinions here and there but was not prepared for what transpired. A few of my friends were no less than completely offensive and actually seemed to intentionally trying to upset other friends that were strangers to them. It was a train wreck and I ended up deleting the post. I thought that would be the end. I thought for sure it would be over because I spoke to the offending friends and asked them not to do it anymore.

I was wrong. I can home to the longest juvenile conversation on my facebook wall that seemed to be intentionally trying to get a reaction and make fun of anyone who had been offended by their actions the day before. Also posting that I should of known better than to think they would not do that. I was so upset. Why would my friend's betray me like that? Why were they purposely being unkind? They already knew I found it unfunny. To put it simply I was just plain disappointed in them. What if I lost friend's because of their actions?

I thought long and hard about what I should do. I have the newest facebook and just hiding my wall seem's to be impossible. I considered deactivating my account for a week in hope these friend's would get the point but that did not seem right. I spoke to them again and told them again expressing my discontent. I just don't even think they understood really and I could not have them doing it again. It is one thing to not care what people think about you and it is another thing to intentionally act like a jerk. My ultimate decision was to unfriend the offending people, although I have kept some on twitter. I am sure they think I hate them but ultimately I just cannot have them trolling my facebook. It was sad it came to that but I feel at this point it was the right choice.

Proud Mama Bear

This year is my son Brandon's second year of kindergarten. I always feel as though I need to follow that statement by the statement he never failed kindergarten last year. Academically he has always thrived but maturity wise he struggled last year. He was one of the youngest kids in his class and his maturity showed that. So rather than have him struggle in grade one because he wasn't ready for full days at school we chose to hold him back. I can honestly say it was the best decision I made as I have seen so much improvement.

This past Friday report cards came out and I was thrilled with what I saw. Academically everything was excellent and socially everything was good or excellent. I knew he was doing well this year as I have not had any notes home or had the teacher pull me off to the side to discuss him melting down (a common occurance last year). Home reading has been a breeze and he is able to recognize most words himself and I don't struggle to get him to focus. Than came the parent teacher interview yesterday and hearing the results there I am beyond proud. My son is a leader in his class and the teacher finds it a huge help because he let's the other kids know what is happening or going to happen. I could see his teacher swelling with pride as she told me.

We live in Millwoods and my son's school has a Punjab program. So it is not uncommon for children new to the country from India to be enrolled there. My son has great speech and because of that many of the kids who don't know much english yet have been placed at his table and he helps them. Excuse me while my heart bursts with pride here. I hope he never loses the want to help and to be a leader, the ability to accept without judgement. These are skills that will take him far in life.

One part of the journey

I felt it was time I start blogging again. For those who have been with me all along you already know my story and this will be redundant.

I used to be that girl. The one that dreamt of white picket fences and happily ever after. But truth be told I never really knew a healthy relationship. I grew up in a home with parents who stayed together for the kids who both struggled with their own emotional problems and the by product of their frustration with one another rained down on my brother and I. Growing up like that I swore to myself I would never wind up with someone like that.

In my early twenties I met a man the one who I thought was the one. A friend first and eventually more. He said such nice things about me and at times was so wonderful. So what if sometimes he lost his temper and punched holes in walls or threw things. He was going through a lot and I was going to be his safe spot. He didn't like some of my friends and as well I grew apart with other friends. That's life right?

We eventually got engaged. I should of been happy but instead it was just another thing to mark of the relationship list. We had a child but for a long time I held off on getting married. It just didn't seem important but for whatever reason eventually I decided it was time. So we married. It was a hot day and awkward and the pictures showed it. 2 month's after that the man I love strangled me.

My world came crashing down. I did what I could to stand by my man and didn't leave. I was NOT going to be a statistic. Our second child was conceived during that time. The incidences of abuse escalated and came to a head on the evening before my 29th birthday but that is a story for another day.

Even with all that I was still a dumb puppy that would not leave. Than my Mother died. My husband started spending a lot of time with another woman and would come home raving about her but swore she was just a friend. Who was I other than his fat, pregnant, depressed wife? The fighting was non-stop and he would constantly threaten to leave. One day I said please do and so he did. He moved right into that woman's home and a war ensued. Once their relationship ended we were able to get along and while we will never be friends we can get along we can spend hours together in a friendly way. All that stand between our divorce now is money to finalize it. My children will reap the rewards of our friendly relationship and I am forever grateful that we got to this spot.

I finally started getting help and learned what my failed relationship was. I had a few failed relationships of my own. Not bad guys just not meant to be. So now here I am still most days feeling beautiful and broken. Love is for other people not for me. Sometimes I think I might want it but am happier to play the non-committal fleeting solitary doe. I crave connection but yet it scares me. Perhaps just another part of the journey to healing.

I am forever grateful for the lessons I have learned along the way and for the connections I have made. I may never be perfect and for once I am perfectly OK with that.

I heard Terri Clark sing this song at Capital Ex this summer and it really resonated with who I am now. So I leave you with this. Enjoy.



Grateful 3:
- Friends who accept me flaws and all.
- Great co-parenting relationships with my children's Fathers.
- My children are all healthy and thriving.