Today you sent me a facebook friend request. Perhaps you felt 4 years was long enough for me to forget what happened or perhaps you have just forgotten. But I have not, I remember.
I remember the day I reached out to you after you told me you would be there for me. I remember your harsh words that day, the accusations that I was infact lying, I remember how you cut me from your life. Do you remember supporting him as he tried to force my children and I on the streets? Do you remember how he shacked up with his mistress and how they made my life a living hell? Do you remember how you sat in the court room as my abuser lied to a provincial court judge and tried to use the courts as a further way to continue his abuse. Perhaps you still think that it is all a lie, perhaps not. You weren't there for my struggles as I healed and the great amount of time that took. You made the choice not to be.
To me you will always be an ally to someone who will always have the potential in them to abuse again. That is a fear I live with for life. You are never a person I can trust with intimate details of my life. Our only connection is my children and unless my former abuser falls to death you and I have no reason to be in contact, that is to dangerous for me. Please respect that.
I am happy now. Free from abuse. Free to be myself without shame, humiliation, or fear. I am a survivor.
I leave you with this quote that has been attributed to being said by Will Smith.
If you weren't there during my struggles, don't expect to be present during my success.
Tanya
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Saturday, June 9, 2012
Sometimes Goodbye Is A Second Chance
Growing up my relationship with my Father was a difficult. My childhood was not a happy one for various reasons. Than just as I came into adulthood my Father walked a very bad path in life and it became unbearable for me to watch him killing himself slowly through bad choices. I made a difficult decision to distance myself and we remained estranged for many years.
I encountered him again in July of 2008 at my Mother's funeral. It was during a dark time in my life. My marriage was dissolving and I was involved in a very high conflict break up and the repercussions of that relationship. Than in early 2009 my Dad and I became even closer and he became my strength when I no longer wanted to go on with life. He cheered me on, supported me emotionally, and was there for my boys when I needed to fulfill legal obligations. After that we became very close speaking a few times a week and having weekly lunch dates. He was a very different man than the one I knew growing up and was a wonderful Grandfather to my kid's.
My Dad had been battling Cancer for years and this year his health started to decline rapidly. Our weekly lunch dates became biweekly and eventually he did not even have the energy to come meet us for lunch. The last time I saw my Dad outside of the hospital Saturday May 12, 2012. Adaira and I stopped by his apartment after visiting the City Center farmer's market. We snacked on Salted Caramel Macaroon's and visited for a little while, he was shuffling very slowly and had lost alot of weight. The following day he called to wish me a happy Mother's Day but I missed the call because I was out for brunch with Adaira and her Dad.
My Dad was admitted to the Royal Alexandra Hospital on May 14th. He didn't even let anyone call to notify family until Thursday May 17th. I received a call from the social worker at the hospital telling me I might want to come to the hospital and say goodbye to my Dad because he did not think Dad would have much time left. I went later that day and my Dad was even skinnier, his eyes sunken, and drifting in and out of consciousness, barely able to speak. I knew it was the end and cried on the ride home for the hospital. I would visit him everyday and everyday he would look a little bit worse. During clear moments he would tell me and other family that he was ready to go/ ready to leave. Sometimes we could coax him to eat or drink a bit.
May 23rd was my final day with my Dad. I got him to eat and drink more than he had all week. He was lucid for an entire 30 minutes during which time again he told me he was ready to leave. As I stroked his hair I told him I knew and that it was OK to go if it was his time that we would be OK. His eyes looked relieved. He passed away in the morning on May 24th.
I am thankful for the second chance the universe granted my Father and I during which we were able to have a close good relationship. He should have succumbed years ago to the Cancer but he was a fighter and fought bravely. He far exceeded the time he was told he would live and I believe it was so that we could reconnect and make amends. I feel now that my Dad is still with me and as I deal with his final affairs I can only hope he is proud of how I am handling it all.
I leave you with the song selections from his funeral. My Dad loved music and these were some of his favorite artists and Rod Stewart covering a song he loved.
As Tears Go By - The Rolling Stones
Long May You Run - Neil Young
Amazing Grace - Rod Stewart
I encountered him again in July of 2008 at my Mother's funeral. It was during a dark time in my life. My marriage was dissolving and I was involved in a very high conflict break up and the repercussions of that relationship. Than in early 2009 my Dad and I became even closer and he became my strength when I no longer wanted to go on with life. He cheered me on, supported me emotionally, and was there for my boys when I needed to fulfill legal obligations. After that we became very close speaking a few times a week and having weekly lunch dates. He was a very different man than the one I knew growing up and was a wonderful Grandfather to my kid's.
My Dad had been battling Cancer for years and this year his health started to decline rapidly. Our weekly lunch dates became biweekly and eventually he did not even have the energy to come meet us for lunch. The last time I saw my Dad outside of the hospital Saturday May 12, 2012. Adaira and I stopped by his apartment after visiting the City Center farmer's market. We snacked on Salted Caramel Macaroon's and visited for a little while, he was shuffling very slowly and had lost alot of weight. The following day he called to wish me a happy Mother's Day but I missed the call because I was out for brunch with Adaira and her Dad.
My Dad was admitted to the Royal Alexandra Hospital on May 14th. He didn't even let anyone call to notify family until Thursday May 17th. I received a call from the social worker at the hospital telling me I might want to come to the hospital and say goodbye to my Dad because he did not think Dad would have much time left. I went later that day and my Dad was even skinnier, his eyes sunken, and drifting in and out of consciousness, barely able to speak. I knew it was the end and cried on the ride home for the hospital. I would visit him everyday and everyday he would look a little bit worse. During clear moments he would tell me and other family that he was ready to go/ ready to leave. Sometimes we could coax him to eat or drink a bit.
May 23rd was my final day with my Dad. I got him to eat and drink more than he had all week. He was lucid for an entire 30 minutes during which time again he told me he was ready to leave. As I stroked his hair I told him I knew and that it was OK to go if it was his time that we would be OK. His eyes looked relieved. He passed away in the morning on May 24th.
I am thankful for the second chance the universe granted my Father and I during which we were able to have a close good relationship. He should have succumbed years ago to the Cancer but he was a fighter and fought bravely. He far exceeded the time he was told he would live and I believe it was so that we could reconnect and make amends. I feel now that my Dad is still with me and as I deal with his final affairs I can only hope he is proud of how I am handling it all.
I leave you with the song selections from his funeral. My Dad loved music and these were some of his favorite artists and Rod Stewart covering a song he loved.
As Tears Go By - The Rolling Stones
Long May You Run - Neil Young
Amazing Grace - Rod Stewart
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Don't Put Me In Your Box
Why are we all so caught up in telling other's how to be? It really is a form of bullying. Expecting everyone to live their lives just as we do. Should my lifestyle as a single parent be identical to that of a bachelor or even a 20 year old? I don't think so, I long outgrew the lifestyle of drinking and partying being fulfilling. Yet there are those that will look at others living a different lifestyle than their own and exclaim how sad it is. Think of some of the times someone has made you feel bad? Likely it was because you were not living up to some expectation they had or living a different lifestyle. To often we are judged on what we have and not who we are. That is just messed up.
Is there times when it is sad absolutely. Times would be when there is illness mentally or physically. Times when someone may be struggling with addiction. Times when that person is not being honored or treated in a dignified way by those around them. Even than is it really functional to judge that person rather than trying to do something productive to help them? If you cannot help or don't want to than would it not be better to just walk away?
Sad
Weird
Evil
These are terms I have heard about myself in my adult life.... heck even in the last year. These judgmental terms say more about the people that said them than they do about who I actually am. Typically said by those who do not know me well. But I recognize they are on a journey as I am and still have life lessons to learn just as I do. Most importantly perhaps they have not earned a spot in my life for their opinions to have any worth because those terms are not something those who know me well will ever use to describe me
The only thing I want for others whether they be friend or foe is for them to live a life that makes them happy. A life with kindness where others are kind to them and they are kind to themselves and others. Live your life with integrity and dignity. As long as you are not doing anything illegal to obtain your happiness than I am happy for you. Live the life you want. Love yourself. The rest will fall into place.
Is there times when it is sad absolutely. Times would be when there is illness mentally or physically. Times when someone may be struggling with addiction. Times when that person is not being honored or treated in a dignified way by those around them. Even than is it really functional to judge that person rather than trying to do something productive to help them? If you cannot help or don't want to than would it not be better to just walk away?
Sad
Weird
Evil
These are terms I have heard about myself in my adult life.... heck even in the last year. These judgmental terms say more about the people that said them than they do about who I actually am. Typically said by those who do not know me well. But I recognize they are on a journey as I am and still have life lessons to learn just as I do. Most importantly perhaps they have not earned a spot in my life for their opinions to have any worth because those terms are not something those who know me well will ever use to describe me
The only thing I want for others whether they be friend or foe is for them to live a life that makes them happy. A life with kindness where others are kind to them and they are kind to themselves and others. Live your life with integrity and dignity. As long as you are not doing anything illegal to obtain your happiness than I am happy for you. Live the life you want. Love yourself. The rest will fall into place.
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