One part of the journey

I felt it was time I start blogging again. For those who have been with me all along you already know my story and this will be redundant.

I used to be that girl. The one that dreamt of white picket fences and happily ever after. But truth be told I never really knew a healthy relationship. I grew up in a home with parents who stayed together for the kids who both struggled with their own emotional problems and the by product of their frustration with one another rained down on my brother and I. Growing up like that I swore to myself I would never wind up with someone like that.

In my early twenties I met a man the one who I thought was the one. A friend first and eventually more. He said such nice things about me and at times was so wonderful. So what if sometimes he lost his temper and punched holes in walls or threw things. He was going through a lot and I was going to be his safe spot. He didn't like some of my friends and as well I grew apart with other friends. That's life right?

We eventually got engaged. I should of been happy but instead it was just another thing to mark of the relationship list. We had a child but for a long time I held off on getting married. It just didn't seem important but for whatever reason eventually I decided it was time. So we married. It was a hot day and awkward and the pictures showed it. 2 month's after that the man I love strangled me.

My world came crashing down. I did what I could to stand by my man and didn't leave. I was NOT going to be a statistic. Our second child was conceived during that time. The incidences of abuse escalated and came to a head on the evening before my 29th birthday but that is a story for another day.

Even with all that I was still a dumb puppy that would not leave. Than my Mother died. My husband started spending a lot of time with another woman and would come home raving about her but swore she was just a friend. Who was I other than his fat, pregnant, depressed wife? The fighting was non-stop and he would constantly threaten to leave. One day I said please do and so he did. He moved right into that woman's home and a war ensued. Once their relationship ended we were able to get along and while we will never be friends we can get along we can spend hours together in a friendly way. All that stand between our divorce now is money to finalize it. My children will reap the rewards of our friendly relationship and I am forever grateful that we got to this spot.

I finally started getting help and learned what my failed relationship was. I had a few failed relationships of my own. Not bad guys just not meant to be. So now here I am still most days feeling beautiful and broken. Love is for other people not for me. Sometimes I think I might want it but am happier to play the non-committal fleeting solitary doe. I crave connection but yet it scares me. Perhaps just another part of the journey to healing.

I am forever grateful for the lessons I have learned along the way and for the connections I have made. I may never be perfect and for once I am perfectly OK with that.

I heard Terri Clark sing this song at Capital Ex this summer and it really resonated with who I am now. So I leave you with this. Enjoy.



Grateful 3:
- Friends who accept me flaws and all.
- Great co-parenting relationships with my children's Fathers.
- My children are all healthy and thriving.