Growing up my relationship with my Father was a difficult. My childhood was not a happy one for various reasons. Than just as I came into adulthood my Father walked a very bad path in life and it became unbearable for me to watch him killing himself slowly through bad choices. I made a difficult decision to distance myself and we remained estranged for many years.
I encountered him again in July of 2008 at my Mother's funeral. It was during a dark time in my life. My marriage was dissolving and I was involved in a very high conflict break up and the repercussions of that relationship. Than in early 2009 my Dad and I became even closer and he became my strength when I no longer wanted to go on with life. He cheered me on, supported me emotionally, and was there for my boys when I needed to fulfill legal obligations. After that we became very close speaking a few times a week and having weekly lunch dates. He was a very different man than the one I knew growing up and was a wonderful Grandfather to my kid's.
My Dad had been battling Cancer for years and this year his health started to decline rapidly. Our weekly lunch dates became biweekly and eventually he did not even have the energy to come meet us for lunch. The last time I saw my Dad outside of the hospital Saturday May 12, 2012. Adaira and I stopped by his apartment after visiting the City Center farmer's market. We snacked on Salted Caramel Macaroon's and visited for a little while, he was shuffling very slowly and had lost alot of weight. The following day he called to wish me a happy Mother's Day but I missed the call because I was out for brunch with Adaira and her Dad.
My Dad was admitted to the Royal Alexandra Hospital on May 14th. He didn't even let anyone call to notify family until Thursday May 17th. I received a call from the social worker at the hospital telling me I might want to come to the hospital and say goodbye to my Dad because he did not think Dad would have much time left. I went later that day and my Dad was even skinnier, his eyes sunken, and drifting in and out of consciousness, barely able to speak. I knew it was the end and cried on the ride home for the hospital. I would visit him everyday and everyday he would look a little bit worse. During clear moments he would tell me and other family that he was ready to go/ ready to leave. Sometimes we could coax him to eat or drink a bit.
May 23rd was my final day with my Dad. I got him to eat and drink more than he had all week. He was lucid for an entire 30 minutes during which time again he told me he was ready to leave. As I stroked his hair I told him I knew and that it was OK to go if it was his time that we would be OK. His eyes looked relieved. He passed away in the morning on May 24th.
I am thankful for the second chance the universe granted my Father and I during which we were able to have a close good relationship. He should have succumbed years ago to the Cancer but he was a fighter and fought bravely. He far exceeded the time he was told he would live and I believe it was so that we could reconnect and make amends. I feel now that my Dad is still with me and as I deal with his final affairs I can only hope he is proud of how I am handling it all.
I leave you with the song selections from his funeral. My Dad loved music and these were some of his favorite artists and Rod Stewart covering a song he loved.
As Tears Go By - The Rolling Stones
Long May You Run - Neil Young
Amazing Grace - Rod Stewart
Saturday, June 9, 2012
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Don't Put Me In Your Box
Why are we all so caught up in telling other's how to be? It really is a form of bullying. Expecting everyone to live their lives just as we do. Should my lifestyle as a single parent be identical to that of a bachelor or even a 20 year old? I don't think so, I long outgrew the lifestyle of drinking and partying being fulfilling. Yet there are those that will look at others living a different lifestyle than their own and exclaim how sad it is. Think of some of the times someone has made you feel bad? Likely it was because you were not living up to some expectation they had or living a different lifestyle. To often we are judged on what we have and not who we are. That is just messed up.
Is there times when it is sad absolutely. Times would be when there is illness mentally or physically. Times when someone may be struggling with addiction. Times when that person is not being honored or treated in a dignified way by those around them. Even than is it really functional to judge that person rather than trying to do something productive to help them? If you cannot help or don't want to than would it not be better to just walk away?
Sad
Weird
Evil
These are terms I have heard about myself in my adult life.... heck even in the last year. These judgmental terms say more about the people that said them than they do about who I actually am. Typically said by those who do not know me well. But I recognize they are on a journey as I am and still have life lessons to learn just as I do. Most importantly perhaps they have not earned a spot in my life for their opinions to have any worth because those terms are not something those who know me well will ever use to describe me
The only thing I want for others whether they be friend or foe is for them to live a life that makes them happy. A life with kindness where others are kind to them and they are kind to themselves and others. Live your life with integrity and dignity. As long as you are not doing anything illegal to obtain your happiness than I am happy for you. Live the life you want. Love yourself. The rest will fall into place.
Is there times when it is sad absolutely. Times would be when there is illness mentally or physically. Times when someone may be struggling with addiction. Times when that person is not being honored or treated in a dignified way by those around them. Even than is it really functional to judge that person rather than trying to do something productive to help them? If you cannot help or don't want to than would it not be better to just walk away?
Sad
Weird
Evil
These are terms I have heard about myself in my adult life.... heck even in the last year. These judgmental terms say more about the people that said them than they do about who I actually am. Typically said by those who do not know me well. But I recognize they are on a journey as I am and still have life lessons to learn just as I do. Most importantly perhaps they have not earned a spot in my life for their opinions to have any worth because those terms are not something those who know me well will ever use to describe me
The only thing I want for others whether they be friend or foe is for them to live a life that makes them happy. A life with kindness where others are kind to them and they are kind to themselves and others. Live your life with integrity and dignity. As long as you are not doing anything illegal to obtain your happiness than I am happy for you. Live the life you want. Love yourself. The rest will fall into place.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
What A Year - 2011 In Review
2011 was an amazing year for me. It brought me peace. Peace was something that lacked for a long time. Growth is painful and I had my growing pains over the years as I have started to evolve into the best person I can be.
I knew 2011 was going to be a different kind of year when I was in labor with my daughter. My ex-husband who I had a difficult relationship with since 2008 showed me the hatchet was truly buried for good. He did this when he was the one who drove me to the hospital after coming to pick up our boys and asked me if I needed him to stay. This may seem like a small gesture but he had no obligation to do that. My daughter is not his child. He could easily have picked up our children and said see you later. I didn't need him to stay but was very appreciative of the gesture and the ride.... if I had needed to wait for a cab there is a good chance my daughter would have been born at home or in the cab because my labor was that fast. There have been many other goodwill gestures and I am appreciative of them all. I forgive the past and look forward to a cooperative partnership as parents in the continuing years. I am at peace with getting divorced and resolve that in 2012 the finalization papers will be signed.
With the birth of my daughter I also forged a good co-parenting with my daughters Father. Going our separate ways during my pregnancy I was unsure of what sort of co-parenting relationship we would have. He has been a model co-parent who always supports his daughter financially and emotionally.
2011 also marked the end of friendships that were no longer healthy additions to my life. In that time other friendships have been rekindled or strengthened. Every person in my journey has contributed to my growth and I am grateful for every experience and every lesson they have taught me.
It was also the first year of my life since I was a teenager that I did not have any sort of romantic relationship with anyone. Not to say I have not been looking but I am comfortable enough and confident in myself to be alone and not just put myself with any warm body that comes my way. That is a good feeling.
So most of the good things about 2011 focus around parenting and I am OK with that because that is what is most important to me at this time.
2012 I resolve to:
Finally sign those divorce papers.
Make a better effort to declutter things I no longer need or use. Work harder at keeping my home tidier.
Continue to increase my daughters parenting time with her Father which will enable me to have more time to myself to continue pursuing to become the best person I can be.
Make a better effort to stay away from dramatic situations and people. Work more on facing problems (as I do already) without facebooking it.
Let go of past defunct friendships. I will not keep "friends" in my life who continually blow me off and do not make an effort to maintain a real friendship. Social networking has been an amazing tool for connection but it has also made people very lazy in maintaining relationships.
Wishing you all the best in 2012! May it be a positive year with much love and good fortune! Bless.
I leave you with my theme song of 2011.
I knew 2011 was going to be a different kind of year when I was in labor with my daughter. My ex-husband who I had a difficult relationship with since 2008 showed me the hatchet was truly buried for good. He did this when he was the one who drove me to the hospital after coming to pick up our boys and asked me if I needed him to stay. This may seem like a small gesture but he had no obligation to do that. My daughter is not his child. He could easily have picked up our children and said see you later. I didn't need him to stay but was very appreciative of the gesture and the ride.... if I had needed to wait for a cab there is a good chance my daughter would have been born at home or in the cab because my labor was that fast. There have been many other goodwill gestures and I am appreciative of them all. I forgive the past and look forward to a cooperative partnership as parents in the continuing years. I am at peace with getting divorced and resolve that in 2012 the finalization papers will be signed.
With the birth of my daughter I also forged a good co-parenting with my daughters Father. Going our separate ways during my pregnancy I was unsure of what sort of co-parenting relationship we would have. He has been a model co-parent who always supports his daughter financially and emotionally.
2011 also marked the end of friendships that were no longer healthy additions to my life. In that time other friendships have been rekindled or strengthened. Every person in my journey has contributed to my growth and I am grateful for every experience and every lesson they have taught me.
It was also the first year of my life since I was a teenager that I did not have any sort of romantic relationship with anyone. Not to say I have not been looking but I am comfortable enough and confident in myself to be alone and not just put myself with any warm body that comes my way. That is a good feeling.
So most of the good things about 2011 focus around parenting and I am OK with that because that is what is most important to me at this time.
2012 I resolve to:
Finally sign those divorce papers.
Make a better effort to declutter things I no longer need or use. Work harder at keeping my home tidier.
Continue to increase my daughters parenting time with her Father which will enable me to have more time to myself to continue pursuing to become the best person I can be.
Make a better effort to stay away from dramatic situations and people. Work more on facing problems (as I do already) without facebooking it.
Let go of past defunct friendships. I will not keep "friends" in my life who continually blow me off and do not make an effort to maintain a real friendship. Social networking has been an amazing tool for connection but it has also made people very lazy in maintaining relationships.
Wishing you all the best in 2012! May it be a positive year with much love and good fortune! Bless.
I leave you with my theme song of 2011.
Saturday, December 10, 2011
When friends collide via social networking.....
What is it about the anonymity of the internet that turn's average everyday people into online trolls? The other day I innocently posted an article about the Duggar's miscarrying. I thought I would get opinions here and there but was not prepared for what transpired. A few of my friends were no less than completely offensive and actually seemed to intentionally trying to upset other friends that were strangers to them. It was a train wreck and I ended up deleting the post. I thought that would be the end. I thought for sure it would be over because I spoke to the offending friends and asked them not to do it anymore.
I was wrong. I can home to the longest juvenile conversation on my facebook wall that seemed to be intentionally trying to get a reaction and make fun of anyone who had been offended by their actions the day before. Also posting that I should of known better than to think they would not do that. I was so upset. Why would my friend's betray me like that? Why were they purposely being unkind? They already knew I found it unfunny. To put it simply I was just plain disappointed in them. What if I lost friend's because of their actions?
I thought long and hard about what I should do. I have the newest facebook and just hiding my wall seem's to be impossible. I considered deactivating my account for a week in hope these friend's would get the point but that did not seem right. I spoke to them again and told them again expressing my discontent. I just don't even think they understood really and I could not have them doing it again. It is one thing to not care what people think about you and it is another thing to intentionally act like a jerk. My ultimate decision was to unfriend the offending people, although I have kept some on twitter. I am sure they think I hate them but ultimately I just cannot have them trolling my facebook. It was sad it came to that but I feel at this point it was the right choice.
I was wrong. I can home to the longest juvenile conversation on my facebook wall that seemed to be intentionally trying to get a reaction and make fun of anyone who had been offended by their actions the day before. Also posting that I should of known better than to think they would not do that. I was so upset. Why would my friend's betray me like that? Why were they purposely being unkind? They already knew I found it unfunny. To put it simply I was just plain disappointed in them. What if I lost friend's because of their actions?
I thought long and hard about what I should do. I have the newest facebook and just hiding my wall seem's to be impossible. I considered deactivating my account for a week in hope these friend's would get the point but that did not seem right. I spoke to them again and told them again expressing my discontent. I just don't even think they understood really and I could not have them doing it again. It is one thing to not care what people think about you and it is another thing to intentionally act like a jerk. My ultimate decision was to unfriend the offending people, although I have kept some on twitter. I am sure they think I hate them but ultimately I just cannot have them trolling my facebook. It was sad it came to that but I feel at this point it was the right choice.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Proud Mama Bear
This year is my son Brandon's second year of kindergarten. I always feel as though I need to follow that statement by the statement he never failed kindergarten last year. Academically he has always thrived but maturity wise he struggled last year. He was one of the youngest kids in his class and his maturity showed that. So rather than have him struggle in grade one because he wasn't ready for full days at school we chose to hold him back. I can honestly say it was the best decision I made as I have seen so much improvement.
This past Friday report cards came out and I was thrilled with what I saw. Academically everything was excellent and socially everything was good or excellent. I knew he was doing well this year as I have not had any notes home or had the teacher pull me off to the side to discuss him melting down (a common occurance last year). Home reading has been a breeze and he is able to recognize most words himself and I don't struggle to get him to focus. Than came the parent teacher interview yesterday and hearing the results there I am beyond proud. My son is a leader in his class and the teacher finds it a huge help because he let's the other kids know what is happening or going to happen. I could see his teacher swelling with pride as she told me.
We live in Millwoods and my son's school has a Punjab program. So it is not uncommon for children new to the country from India to be enrolled there. My son has great speech and because of that many of the kids who don't know much english yet have been placed at his table and he helps them. Excuse me while my heart bursts with pride here. I hope he never loses the want to help and to be a leader, the ability to accept without judgement. These are skills that will take him far in life.
This past Friday report cards came out and I was thrilled with what I saw. Academically everything was excellent and socially everything was good or excellent. I knew he was doing well this year as I have not had any notes home or had the teacher pull me off to the side to discuss him melting down (a common occurance last year). Home reading has been a breeze and he is able to recognize most words himself and I don't struggle to get him to focus. Than came the parent teacher interview yesterday and hearing the results there I am beyond proud. My son is a leader in his class and the teacher finds it a huge help because he let's the other kids know what is happening or going to happen. I could see his teacher swelling with pride as she told me.
We live in Millwoods and my son's school has a Punjab program. So it is not uncommon for children new to the country from India to be enrolled there. My son has great speech and because of that many of the kids who don't know much english yet have been placed at his table and he helps them. Excuse me while my heart bursts with pride here. I hope he never loses the want to help and to be a leader, the ability to accept without judgement. These are skills that will take him far in life.
Saturday, November 12, 2011
One part of the journey
I felt it was time I start blogging again. For those who have been with me all along you already know my story and this will be redundant.
I used to be that girl. The one that dreamt of white picket fences and happily ever after. But truth be told I never really knew a healthy relationship. I grew up in a home with parents who stayed together for the kids who both struggled with their own emotional problems and the by product of their frustration with one another rained down on my brother and I. Growing up like that I swore to myself I would never wind up with someone like that.
In my early twenties I met a man the one who I thought was the one. A friend first and eventually more. He said such nice things about me and at times was so wonderful. So what if sometimes he lost his temper and punched holes in walls or threw things. He was going through a lot and I was going to be his safe spot. He didn't like some of my friends and as well I grew apart with other friends. That's life right?
We eventually got engaged. I should of been happy but instead it was just another thing to mark of the relationship list. We had a child but for a long time I held off on getting married. It just didn't seem important but for whatever reason eventually I decided it was time. So we married. It was a hot day and awkward and the pictures showed it. 2 month's after that the man I love strangled me.
My world came crashing down. I did what I could to stand by my man and didn't leave. I was NOT going to be a statistic. Our second child was conceived during that time. The incidences of abuse escalated and came to a head on the evening before my 29th birthday but that is a story for another day.
Even with all that I was still a dumb puppy that would not leave. Than my Mother died. My husband started spending a lot of time with another woman and would come home raving about her but swore she was just a friend. Who was I other than his fat, pregnant, depressed wife? The fighting was non-stop and he would constantly threaten to leave. One day I said please do and so he did. He moved right into that woman's home and a war ensued. Once their relationship ended we were able to get along and while we will never be friends we can get along we can spend hours together in a friendly way. All that stand between our divorce now is money to finalize it. My children will reap the rewards of our friendly relationship and I am forever grateful that we got to this spot.
I finally started getting help and learned what my failed relationship was. I had a few failed relationships of my own. Not bad guys just not meant to be. So now here I am still most days feeling beautiful and broken. Love is for other people not for me. Sometimes I think I might want it but am happier to play the non-committal fleeting solitary doe. I crave connection but yet it scares me. Perhaps just another part of the journey to healing.
I am forever grateful for the lessons I have learned along the way and for the connections I have made. I may never be perfect and for once I am perfectly OK with that.
I heard Terri Clark sing this song at Capital Ex this summer and it really resonated with who I am now. So I leave you with this. Enjoy.
Grateful 3:
- Friends who accept me flaws and all.
- Great co-parenting relationships with my children's Fathers.
- My children are all healthy and thriving.
I used to be that girl. The one that dreamt of white picket fences and happily ever after. But truth be told I never really knew a healthy relationship. I grew up in a home with parents who stayed together for the kids who both struggled with their own emotional problems and the by product of their frustration with one another rained down on my brother and I. Growing up like that I swore to myself I would never wind up with someone like that.
In my early twenties I met a man the one who I thought was the one. A friend first and eventually more. He said such nice things about me and at times was so wonderful. So what if sometimes he lost his temper and punched holes in walls or threw things. He was going through a lot and I was going to be his safe spot. He didn't like some of my friends and as well I grew apart with other friends. That's life right?
We eventually got engaged. I should of been happy but instead it was just another thing to mark of the relationship list. We had a child but for a long time I held off on getting married. It just didn't seem important but for whatever reason eventually I decided it was time. So we married. It was a hot day and awkward and the pictures showed it. 2 month's after that the man I love strangled me.
My world came crashing down. I did what I could to stand by my man and didn't leave. I was NOT going to be a statistic. Our second child was conceived during that time. The incidences of abuse escalated and came to a head on the evening before my 29th birthday but that is a story for another day.
Even with all that I was still a dumb puppy that would not leave. Than my Mother died. My husband started spending a lot of time with another woman and would come home raving about her but swore she was just a friend. Who was I other than his fat, pregnant, depressed wife? The fighting was non-stop and he would constantly threaten to leave. One day I said please do and so he did. He moved right into that woman's home and a war ensued. Once their relationship ended we were able to get along and while we will never be friends we can get along we can spend hours together in a friendly way. All that stand between our divorce now is money to finalize it. My children will reap the rewards of our friendly relationship and I am forever grateful that we got to this spot.
I finally started getting help and learned what my failed relationship was. I had a few failed relationships of my own. Not bad guys just not meant to be. So now here I am still most days feeling beautiful and broken. Love is for other people not for me. Sometimes I think I might want it but am happier to play the non-committal fleeting solitary doe. I crave connection but yet it scares me. Perhaps just another part of the journey to healing.
I am forever grateful for the lessons I have learned along the way and for the connections I have made. I may never be perfect and for once I am perfectly OK with that.
I heard Terri Clark sing this song at Capital Ex this summer and it really resonated with who I am now. So I leave you with this. Enjoy.
Grateful 3:
- Friends who accept me flaws and all.
- Great co-parenting relationships with my children's Fathers.
- My children are all healthy and thriving.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
The Power Of Stones
Lately I have been feeling stressed about my divorce and my ex's actions, and how those actions may effect my efforts to retun to school. Tonight I walked by a store I have walked by a thousand times before. But for some reason tonight I noticed a gumball type machine, only instead of gumballs it was filled with stones. Something in my head said you need to buy one. So I fished out a dollar and turned the knob to get my stone. When I opened the door to the slot there sat a green aventurine, amazonite, and rock crystal. What interested me is how fitting the meaning of the stones and how they related to me.
Green aventurine is considered a healing stone to soothe a troubled heart or calm distraught emotions.
Green aventurine quartz is said to relieve anxiety and calm ones emotions, to bring opportunity, to give good luck in gambling, and to enhance ones creativity and leadership qualities.
Green aventurine quartz is also said to have been used successfully in psychotherapy, treating disorders of the lungs and heart, and to help increase muscle flexibility.
Amazonite is believed to be useful for finding personal truth, luck, prosperity, creativity, growth, soothing energy, and receiving energy for better stamina.
Its soothing energy aids in confidence and in opening the Throat Chakra. Moreover, this calming stone is believed to balance masculine and feminine energies.
Amazonite is known as the "Hope Stone", believed to offer luck for your hopes and dreams.
Rock crystal is said to stimulate mental clarity, emotional stability and to facilitate and focus meditative states. It is also said to stimulate positive thoughts and feelings, and to amplify psychic abilities. Rock crystal is said to help remove toxins from the body and to help treat disorders of the digestive system, kidneys and bladder. It also is said to be helpfull in treating a number of other ailments including pituitary gland disorders and skin, circulatory system and respiratory system disorders. Rock crystal is also said to help considerably in providing relief from pain, and to help in recovering from radiation exposure, and to strengthen the immune system.
I feel strength in these stones.
Green aventurine is considered a healing stone to soothe a troubled heart or calm distraught emotions.
Green aventurine quartz is said to relieve anxiety and calm ones emotions, to bring opportunity, to give good luck in gambling, and to enhance ones creativity and leadership qualities.
Green aventurine quartz is also said to have been used successfully in psychotherapy, treating disorders of the lungs and heart, and to help increase muscle flexibility.
Amazonite is believed to be useful for finding personal truth, luck, prosperity, creativity, growth, soothing energy, and receiving energy for better stamina.
Its soothing energy aids in confidence and in opening the Throat Chakra. Moreover, this calming stone is believed to balance masculine and feminine energies.
Amazonite is known as the "Hope Stone", believed to offer luck for your hopes and dreams.
Rock crystal is said to stimulate mental clarity, emotional stability and to facilitate and focus meditative states. It is also said to stimulate positive thoughts and feelings, and to amplify psychic abilities. Rock crystal is said to help remove toxins from the body and to help treat disorders of the digestive system, kidneys and bladder. It also is said to be helpfull in treating a number of other ailments including pituitary gland disorders and skin, circulatory system and respiratory system disorders. Rock crystal is also said to help considerably in providing relief from pain, and to help in recovering from radiation exposure, and to strengthen the immune system.
I feel strength in these stones.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)