For as long as I can remember I have struggled with not feeling good about myself. Is this a result of my less than healthy upbringing. Just a normal human affliction. Inflaming this is my social awkwardness and the fact I am very much introverted. There are those that I have encountered in life that have had no problem pointing out my flaws. Leaving me feeling like my worst fears are true and that there is something wrong with me. There are people who treat others as projects for them to work on only to discard them when they decide they are done. I love social networking because it allowed me to shed my social awkwardness and just be me but than I discover that others are not happy with who I am. Than there was also the stalker aspect coming in the form a facebook friend of a friend, I 'think' I have finally shed the stalker but can never be to careful.
What i've discovered is friends have no problem passive aggressively taking about their annoying facebook friends. So again I find out somehow I am viewed as flawed. There is a great amount of teasing over how much I facebook as if I am not aware of it. But I find if I don't stay up to date and miss a connections updates than I feel guilty for missing them. So the site I so feverishly avoided and than became enveloped in has become somewhat of a nemesis. I found myself loathing it. So I made the decision to walk away from it temporarily. A decision that is scary as hell because effectively I am taking away any outside interaction with friends and acquaintances. But I feel like it was false connection. Supposed facebook friends who while keeping me around had no desire to really have any interaction with me and actually going out of their way to exclude me socially. When I announced my hiatus no one actually desired to stay connected unless I was staying on facebook. I think I desire real human interaction and need to find out on my own how to achieve that without getting sucked into someones project or exclusive group.
I spent my first facebook free day ill with food poisoning, day two I am recovering from that after affects of that. I realize how reliant I am on the site and second nature when I log onto the computer I automatically go to the site. Can we say addiction anyone? My facebook free goal is 30 days. In that time I hope to figure out how I can stay connected without having it consume my spare time.
Saturday, March 30, 2013
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
An Open Letter To My Abuser's Ally
Today you sent me a facebook friend request. Perhaps you felt 4 years was long enough for me to forget what happened or perhaps you have just forgotten. But I have not, I remember.
I remember the day I reached out to you after you told me you would be there for me. I remember your harsh words that day, the accusations that I was infact lying, I remember how you cut me from your life. Do you remember supporting him as he tried to force my children and I on the streets? Do you remember how he shacked up with his mistress and how they made my life a living hell? Do you remember how you sat in the court room as my abuser lied to a provincial court judge and tried to use the courts as a further way to continue his abuse. Perhaps you still think that it is all a lie, perhaps not. You weren't there for my struggles as I healed and the great amount of time that took. You made the choice not to be.
To me you will always be an ally to someone who will always have the potential in them to abuse again. That is a fear I live with for life. You are never a person I can trust with intimate details of my life. Our only connection is my children and unless my former abuser falls to death you and I have no reason to be in contact, that is to dangerous for me. Please respect that.
I am happy now. Free from abuse. Free to be myself without shame, humiliation, or fear. I am a survivor.
I leave you with this quote that has been attributed to being said by Will Smith.
If you weren't there during my struggles, don't expect to be present during my success.
Tanya
I remember the day I reached out to you after you told me you would be there for me. I remember your harsh words that day, the accusations that I was infact lying, I remember how you cut me from your life. Do you remember supporting him as he tried to force my children and I on the streets? Do you remember how he shacked up with his mistress and how they made my life a living hell? Do you remember how you sat in the court room as my abuser lied to a provincial court judge and tried to use the courts as a further way to continue his abuse. Perhaps you still think that it is all a lie, perhaps not. You weren't there for my struggles as I healed and the great amount of time that took. You made the choice not to be.
To me you will always be an ally to someone who will always have the potential in them to abuse again. That is a fear I live with for life. You are never a person I can trust with intimate details of my life. Our only connection is my children and unless my former abuser falls to death you and I have no reason to be in contact, that is to dangerous for me. Please respect that.
I am happy now. Free from abuse. Free to be myself without shame, humiliation, or fear. I am a survivor.
I leave you with this quote that has been attributed to being said by Will Smith.
If you weren't there during my struggles, don't expect to be present during my success.
Tanya
Saturday, June 9, 2012
Sometimes Goodbye Is A Second Chance
Growing up my relationship with my Father was a difficult. My childhood was not a happy one for various reasons. Than just as I came into adulthood my Father walked a very bad path in life and it became unbearable for me to watch him killing himself slowly through bad choices. I made a difficult decision to distance myself and we remained estranged for many years.
I encountered him again in July of 2008 at my Mother's funeral. It was during a dark time in my life. My marriage was dissolving and I was involved in a very high conflict break up and the repercussions of that relationship. Than in early 2009 my Dad and I became even closer and he became my strength when I no longer wanted to go on with life. He cheered me on, supported me emotionally, and was there for my boys when I needed to fulfill legal obligations. After that we became very close speaking a few times a week and having weekly lunch dates. He was a very different man than the one I knew growing up and was a wonderful Grandfather to my kid's.
My Dad had been battling Cancer for years and this year his health started to decline rapidly. Our weekly lunch dates became biweekly and eventually he did not even have the energy to come meet us for lunch. The last time I saw my Dad outside of the hospital Saturday May 12, 2012. Adaira and I stopped by his apartment after visiting the City Center farmer's market. We snacked on Salted Caramel Macaroon's and visited for a little while, he was shuffling very slowly and had lost alot of weight. The following day he called to wish me a happy Mother's Day but I missed the call because I was out for brunch with Adaira and her Dad.
My Dad was admitted to the Royal Alexandra Hospital on May 14th. He didn't even let anyone call to notify family until Thursday May 17th. I received a call from the social worker at the hospital telling me I might want to come to the hospital and say goodbye to my Dad because he did not think Dad would have much time left. I went later that day and my Dad was even skinnier, his eyes sunken, and drifting in and out of consciousness, barely able to speak. I knew it was the end and cried on the ride home for the hospital. I would visit him everyday and everyday he would look a little bit worse. During clear moments he would tell me and other family that he was ready to go/ ready to leave. Sometimes we could coax him to eat or drink a bit.
May 23rd was my final day with my Dad. I got him to eat and drink more than he had all week. He was lucid for an entire 30 minutes during which time again he told me he was ready to leave. As I stroked his hair I told him I knew and that it was OK to go if it was his time that we would be OK. His eyes looked relieved. He passed away in the morning on May 24th.
I am thankful for the second chance the universe granted my Father and I during which we were able to have a close good relationship. He should have succumbed years ago to the Cancer but he was a fighter and fought bravely. He far exceeded the time he was told he would live and I believe it was so that we could reconnect and make amends. I feel now that my Dad is still with me and as I deal with his final affairs I can only hope he is proud of how I am handling it all.
I leave you with the song selections from his funeral. My Dad loved music and these were some of his favorite artists and Rod Stewart covering a song he loved.
As Tears Go By - The Rolling Stones
Long May You Run - Neil Young
Amazing Grace - Rod Stewart
I encountered him again in July of 2008 at my Mother's funeral. It was during a dark time in my life. My marriage was dissolving and I was involved in a very high conflict break up and the repercussions of that relationship. Than in early 2009 my Dad and I became even closer and he became my strength when I no longer wanted to go on with life. He cheered me on, supported me emotionally, and was there for my boys when I needed to fulfill legal obligations. After that we became very close speaking a few times a week and having weekly lunch dates. He was a very different man than the one I knew growing up and was a wonderful Grandfather to my kid's.
My Dad had been battling Cancer for years and this year his health started to decline rapidly. Our weekly lunch dates became biweekly and eventually he did not even have the energy to come meet us for lunch. The last time I saw my Dad outside of the hospital Saturday May 12, 2012. Adaira and I stopped by his apartment after visiting the City Center farmer's market. We snacked on Salted Caramel Macaroon's and visited for a little while, he was shuffling very slowly and had lost alot of weight. The following day he called to wish me a happy Mother's Day but I missed the call because I was out for brunch with Adaira and her Dad.
My Dad was admitted to the Royal Alexandra Hospital on May 14th. He didn't even let anyone call to notify family until Thursday May 17th. I received a call from the social worker at the hospital telling me I might want to come to the hospital and say goodbye to my Dad because he did not think Dad would have much time left. I went later that day and my Dad was even skinnier, his eyes sunken, and drifting in and out of consciousness, barely able to speak. I knew it was the end and cried on the ride home for the hospital. I would visit him everyday and everyday he would look a little bit worse. During clear moments he would tell me and other family that he was ready to go/ ready to leave. Sometimes we could coax him to eat or drink a bit.
May 23rd was my final day with my Dad. I got him to eat and drink more than he had all week. He was lucid for an entire 30 minutes during which time again he told me he was ready to leave. As I stroked his hair I told him I knew and that it was OK to go if it was his time that we would be OK. His eyes looked relieved. He passed away in the morning on May 24th.
I am thankful for the second chance the universe granted my Father and I during which we were able to have a close good relationship. He should have succumbed years ago to the Cancer but he was a fighter and fought bravely. He far exceeded the time he was told he would live and I believe it was so that we could reconnect and make amends. I feel now that my Dad is still with me and as I deal with his final affairs I can only hope he is proud of how I am handling it all.
I leave you with the song selections from his funeral. My Dad loved music and these were some of his favorite artists and Rod Stewart covering a song he loved.
As Tears Go By - The Rolling Stones
Long May You Run - Neil Young
Amazing Grace - Rod Stewart
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Don't Put Me In Your Box
Why are we all so caught up in telling other's how to be? It really is a form of bullying. Expecting everyone to live their lives just as we do. Should my lifestyle as a single parent be identical to that of a bachelor or even a 20 year old? I don't think so, I long outgrew the lifestyle of drinking and partying being fulfilling. Yet there are those that will look at others living a different lifestyle than their own and exclaim how sad it is. Think of some of the times someone has made you feel bad? Likely it was because you were not living up to some expectation they had or living a different lifestyle. To often we are judged on what we have and not who we are. That is just messed up.
Is there times when it is sad absolutely. Times would be when there is illness mentally or physically. Times when someone may be struggling with addiction. Times when that person is not being honored or treated in a dignified way by those around them. Even than is it really functional to judge that person rather than trying to do something productive to help them? If you cannot help or don't want to than would it not be better to just walk away?
Sad
Weird
Evil
These are terms I have heard about myself in my adult life.... heck even in the last year. These judgmental terms say more about the people that said them than they do about who I actually am. Typically said by those who do not know me well. But I recognize they are on a journey as I am and still have life lessons to learn just as I do. Most importantly perhaps they have not earned a spot in my life for their opinions to have any worth because those terms are not something those who know me well will ever use to describe me
The only thing I want for others whether they be friend or foe is for them to live a life that makes them happy. A life with kindness where others are kind to them and they are kind to themselves and others. Live your life with integrity and dignity. As long as you are not doing anything illegal to obtain your happiness than I am happy for you. Live the life you want. Love yourself. The rest will fall into place.
Is there times when it is sad absolutely. Times would be when there is illness mentally or physically. Times when someone may be struggling with addiction. Times when that person is not being honored or treated in a dignified way by those around them. Even than is it really functional to judge that person rather than trying to do something productive to help them? If you cannot help or don't want to than would it not be better to just walk away?
Sad
Weird
Evil
These are terms I have heard about myself in my adult life.... heck even in the last year. These judgmental terms say more about the people that said them than they do about who I actually am. Typically said by those who do not know me well. But I recognize they are on a journey as I am and still have life lessons to learn just as I do. Most importantly perhaps they have not earned a spot in my life for their opinions to have any worth because those terms are not something those who know me well will ever use to describe me
The only thing I want for others whether they be friend or foe is for them to live a life that makes them happy. A life with kindness where others are kind to them and they are kind to themselves and others. Live your life with integrity and dignity. As long as you are not doing anything illegal to obtain your happiness than I am happy for you. Live the life you want. Love yourself. The rest will fall into place.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
What A Year - 2011 In Review
2011 was an amazing year for me. It brought me peace. Peace was something that lacked for a long time. Growth is painful and I had my growing pains over the years as I have started to evolve into the best person I can be.
I knew 2011 was going to be a different kind of year when I was in labor with my daughter. My ex-husband who I had a difficult relationship with since 2008 showed me the hatchet was truly buried for good. He did this when he was the one who drove me to the hospital after coming to pick up our boys and asked me if I needed him to stay. This may seem like a small gesture but he had no obligation to do that. My daughter is not his child. He could easily have picked up our children and said see you later. I didn't need him to stay but was very appreciative of the gesture and the ride.... if I had needed to wait for a cab there is a good chance my daughter would have been born at home or in the cab because my labor was that fast. There have been many other goodwill gestures and I am appreciative of them all. I forgive the past and look forward to a cooperative partnership as parents in the continuing years. I am at peace with getting divorced and resolve that in 2012 the finalization papers will be signed.
With the birth of my daughter I also forged a good co-parenting with my daughters Father. Going our separate ways during my pregnancy I was unsure of what sort of co-parenting relationship we would have. He has been a model co-parent who always supports his daughter financially and emotionally.
2011 also marked the end of friendships that were no longer healthy additions to my life. In that time other friendships have been rekindled or strengthened. Every person in my journey has contributed to my growth and I am grateful for every experience and every lesson they have taught me.
It was also the first year of my life since I was a teenager that I did not have any sort of romantic relationship with anyone. Not to say I have not been looking but I am comfortable enough and confident in myself to be alone and not just put myself with any warm body that comes my way. That is a good feeling.
So most of the good things about 2011 focus around parenting and I am OK with that because that is what is most important to me at this time.
2012 I resolve to:
Finally sign those divorce papers.
Make a better effort to declutter things I no longer need or use. Work harder at keeping my home tidier.
Continue to increase my daughters parenting time with her Father which will enable me to have more time to myself to continue pursuing to become the best person I can be.
Make a better effort to stay away from dramatic situations and people. Work more on facing problems (as I do already) without facebooking it.
Let go of past defunct friendships. I will not keep "friends" in my life who continually blow me off and do not make an effort to maintain a real friendship. Social networking has been an amazing tool for connection but it has also made people very lazy in maintaining relationships.
Wishing you all the best in 2012! May it be a positive year with much love and good fortune! Bless.
I leave you with my theme song of 2011.
I knew 2011 was going to be a different kind of year when I was in labor with my daughter. My ex-husband who I had a difficult relationship with since 2008 showed me the hatchet was truly buried for good. He did this when he was the one who drove me to the hospital after coming to pick up our boys and asked me if I needed him to stay. This may seem like a small gesture but he had no obligation to do that. My daughter is not his child. He could easily have picked up our children and said see you later. I didn't need him to stay but was very appreciative of the gesture and the ride.... if I had needed to wait for a cab there is a good chance my daughter would have been born at home or in the cab because my labor was that fast. There have been many other goodwill gestures and I am appreciative of them all. I forgive the past and look forward to a cooperative partnership as parents in the continuing years. I am at peace with getting divorced and resolve that in 2012 the finalization papers will be signed.
With the birth of my daughter I also forged a good co-parenting with my daughters Father. Going our separate ways during my pregnancy I was unsure of what sort of co-parenting relationship we would have. He has been a model co-parent who always supports his daughter financially and emotionally.
2011 also marked the end of friendships that were no longer healthy additions to my life. In that time other friendships have been rekindled or strengthened. Every person in my journey has contributed to my growth and I am grateful for every experience and every lesson they have taught me.
It was also the first year of my life since I was a teenager that I did not have any sort of romantic relationship with anyone. Not to say I have not been looking but I am comfortable enough and confident in myself to be alone and not just put myself with any warm body that comes my way. That is a good feeling.
So most of the good things about 2011 focus around parenting and I am OK with that because that is what is most important to me at this time.
2012 I resolve to:
Finally sign those divorce papers.
Make a better effort to declutter things I no longer need or use. Work harder at keeping my home tidier.
Continue to increase my daughters parenting time with her Father which will enable me to have more time to myself to continue pursuing to become the best person I can be.
Make a better effort to stay away from dramatic situations and people. Work more on facing problems (as I do already) without facebooking it.
Let go of past defunct friendships. I will not keep "friends" in my life who continually blow me off and do not make an effort to maintain a real friendship. Social networking has been an amazing tool for connection but it has also made people very lazy in maintaining relationships.
Wishing you all the best in 2012! May it be a positive year with much love and good fortune! Bless.
I leave you with my theme song of 2011.
Saturday, December 10, 2011
When friends collide via social networking.....
What is it about the anonymity of the internet that turn's average everyday people into online trolls? The other day I innocently posted an article about the Duggar's miscarrying. I thought I would get opinions here and there but was not prepared for what transpired. A few of my friends were no less than completely offensive and actually seemed to intentionally trying to upset other friends that were strangers to them. It was a train wreck and I ended up deleting the post. I thought that would be the end. I thought for sure it would be over because I spoke to the offending friends and asked them not to do it anymore.
I was wrong. I can home to the longest juvenile conversation on my facebook wall that seemed to be intentionally trying to get a reaction and make fun of anyone who had been offended by their actions the day before. Also posting that I should of known better than to think they would not do that. I was so upset. Why would my friend's betray me like that? Why were they purposely being unkind? They already knew I found it unfunny. To put it simply I was just plain disappointed in them. What if I lost friend's because of their actions?
I thought long and hard about what I should do. I have the newest facebook and just hiding my wall seem's to be impossible. I considered deactivating my account for a week in hope these friend's would get the point but that did not seem right. I spoke to them again and told them again expressing my discontent. I just don't even think they understood really and I could not have them doing it again. It is one thing to not care what people think about you and it is another thing to intentionally act like a jerk. My ultimate decision was to unfriend the offending people, although I have kept some on twitter. I am sure they think I hate them but ultimately I just cannot have them trolling my facebook. It was sad it came to that but I feel at this point it was the right choice.
I was wrong. I can home to the longest juvenile conversation on my facebook wall that seemed to be intentionally trying to get a reaction and make fun of anyone who had been offended by their actions the day before. Also posting that I should of known better than to think they would not do that. I was so upset. Why would my friend's betray me like that? Why were they purposely being unkind? They already knew I found it unfunny. To put it simply I was just plain disappointed in them. What if I lost friend's because of their actions?
I thought long and hard about what I should do. I have the newest facebook and just hiding my wall seem's to be impossible. I considered deactivating my account for a week in hope these friend's would get the point but that did not seem right. I spoke to them again and told them again expressing my discontent. I just don't even think they understood really and I could not have them doing it again. It is one thing to not care what people think about you and it is another thing to intentionally act like a jerk. My ultimate decision was to unfriend the offending people, although I have kept some on twitter. I am sure they think I hate them but ultimately I just cannot have them trolling my facebook. It was sad it came to that but I feel at this point it was the right choice.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Proud Mama Bear
This year is my son Brandon's second year of kindergarten. I always feel as though I need to follow that statement by the statement he never failed kindergarten last year. Academically he has always thrived but maturity wise he struggled last year. He was one of the youngest kids in his class and his maturity showed that. So rather than have him struggle in grade one because he wasn't ready for full days at school we chose to hold him back. I can honestly say it was the best decision I made as I have seen so much improvement.
This past Friday report cards came out and I was thrilled with what I saw. Academically everything was excellent and socially everything was good or excellent. I knew he was doing well this year as I have not had any notes home or had the teacher pull me off to the side to discuss him melting down (a common occurance last year). Home reading has been a breeze and he is able to recognize most words himself and I don't struggle to get him to focus. Than came the parent teacher interview yesterday and hearing the results there I am beyond proud. My son is a leader in his class and the teacher finds it a huge help because he let's the other kids know what is happening or going to happen. I could see his teacher swelling with pride as she told me.
We live in Millwoods and my son's school has a Punjab program. So it is not uncommon for children new to the country from India to be enrolled there. My son has great speech and because of that many of the kids who don't know much english yet have been placed at his table and he helps them. Excuse me while my heart bursts with pride here. I hope he never loses the want to help and to be a leader, the ability to accept without judgement. These are skills that will take him far in life.
This past Friday report cards came out and I was thrilled with what I saw. Academically everything was excellent and socially everything was good or excellent. I knew he was doing well this year as I have not had any notes home or had the teacher pull me off to the side to discuss him melting down (a common occurance last year). Home reading has been a breeze and he is able to recognize most words himself and I don't struggle to get him to focus. Than came the parent teacher interview yesterday and hearing the results there I am beyond proud. My son is a leader in his class and the teacher finds it a huge help because he let's the other kids know what is happening or going to happen. I could see his teacher swelling with pride as she told me.
We live in Millwoods and my son's school has a Punjab program. So it is not uncommon for children new to the country from India to be enrolled there. My son has great speech and because of that many of the kids who don't know much english yet have been placed at his table and he helps them. Excuse me while my heart bursts with pride here. I hope he never loses the want to help and to be a leader, the ability to accept without judgement. These are skills that will take him far in life.
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